Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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