i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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