Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
