you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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