LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
