Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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