3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
