So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
