My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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