I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
