There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I could make wine with my vomit
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Im part way to drunk.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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