I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
