she woke up with a sticky ear
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
