i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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