Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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