Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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