If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
