im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
