you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
