How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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