My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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