im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
