I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
