they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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