Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
