I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
