Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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