i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
