I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
