I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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