I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
