haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
