I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Bang-toberfest begins!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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