she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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