Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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