There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
