Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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