by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm getting married
To pizza
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
