apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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