Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
