and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
