Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
