Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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