sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
