as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
