how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
