Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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