Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
