the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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