A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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