These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
