I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
