My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
