this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
