I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
