I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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